A simple little thing called Failure... | 08.05.2017

Little thing called Failure

08.05.2017

Yes, yes here we are. Weeks go by and not a word has come out of my fingertips. A paralysing snowball effect of a lack of self-discipline has brought me to a very familiar place. A cocktail of procrastination, self-deprecation, and well…failure. 

Then again, failure is what you make of it. That’s the comforting thing. I have failed allot, I mean allot allot in my life. And I don’t regret a second of it. It’s painful, it’s humiliating, but it’s what you need to grow. It’s the grand storm that weeds out the weak and evolves the strong. 

It smacks you with a big unforgiving sign that says “You’re human, this is who you are!” and expects you to deal with it. I love it, in the most peculiar way. 

At fist I could only see the bad in the dark cycle of failing, I kept characterising it as pure evil. After that, I switched. I refused to see the wrong in it, only saw it as a teacher, a good thing, a necessity. Both are not fair, and I’d not be seeing it for what it was. It’s a swirl-wind of good and bad, not any better or any worse than it truly is.

I can do one of two things. Recoil, let this ‘project’/experiment simmer out, take the failure for what it is. Run away and find something else, something new and shiny and pursue that. 

Or. I can admit, I can confess that I failed to be consistent, that I neglected to continue writing, that I found something ‘hard’. That this is a learning curve, a path up a gruelling mountain. A path that for others seems so natural, a road of which I have realised that, I did not do the right preparation for. 

Sometimes I wonder why it’s so hard to admit that you failed. Maybe it’s the acknowledgement that makes it so real. It’s all well and good hiding from it, but at the end of the day, it’s always going to be there. It’s not going to just fuck off, just because it’s a little inconvenient or a little embarrassing.

Ultimately this is and is going to be, a long lesson in self-discipline and consistency. Something I want to be better at. Yes, I’ll probably keep stumbling and falling for a while. But at some point I’ll get stronger and better. As long as I remain honest with myself and honest with the world I should be fine…hopefully.

Mind Blob | 12.04.2017

Mind Blob

12.04.2017

I’m writing a proper mind blob today. It’ll contain; rambling, a lack of consistency and no estimated point to be made…enjoy…

I was going to write something about looking around and not listening to music, but I ended up feeling like an old man yelling at a cloud (referencing The Simpsons).
So instead I started writing a post, challenging myself to not use the words I, me or myself. I realised that I needed more time to make that work, so I stopped.

So instead I felt myself drooping, I felt that bubbly feeling of procrastination tantalising my brain.
Whilst the thoughts of giving up were quietly hinting. 

This is a post to expose those feelings I guess. My aim by no means was to set up a perfect blog that would attract millions of middle-aged, wine sipping and interesting woman, or whatever other stereotype one would expect on a high-quality blog.
My aim was and is to just create consistently and challenge myself. 

I have a tendency to be a tidbit of a perfectionist and expect far to much of myself, which is a good thing, it pushes me to get the absolute best of myself, but also makes me feel very bad when I think I might not be doing well enough.

It’s important to ignore these feelings and just push through, tell that voice to ‘fuck off’ and just keep on striding forward…

Easier said than done…

It can be paralysing sometimes. I say sometimes, but I actually mean, allot of the times…take this post, as blatantly ‘easy’ as it would seem to be, to write a post about not being able to write posts still feels wrong and makes me want to crawl away. 

Maybe I’m right, maybe the big scary coach in my brain, yelling at me that I’m doing everything wrong is correct, but again, to do it the right way was never my purpose. All I wanted, and expect from myself is to do. To just simply do. How bad, how embarrassing it may be, just create and share. To not be scared of what people might think because quality will come with time, all I have to focus on now is consistency…

So yeah, I feel like I just needed to expose those feelings, not pretend like I had/have everything under control. Because I don’t. It’s not easy. But then again, if it was easy, it wouldn’t be a challenge. I wouldn’t be doing this, I wouldn't be feeling the eerie chill of the vast scape outside the comfort zone. 

So, in short, I’m proud. I’m proud that I feel stuck. However strange that may be. I’m proud that I almost feel paralysed under the challenge, that can only mean it’s working. 

The Deep End | 05.04.2017

The Deep End

05.04.2017

Writing, storytelling, concept making. Those are all things within my comfort zone.
But when I thought about blogging I felt my insides immediately screeching and trying to run away…to me, that feeling is a big bright sign saying “Continue doing this”
however uncomfortable it may feel right now.

Blogging is inherently a creative strain, you have to consistently create. 
Consistency. A word that stands at the core of what scares me. 

Consistency is not my forté. It has never been my forté, and I doubt it’ll ever be my…forté. 

Still…jumping into the deep end, not knowing what to expect, just with the knowledge
that I might drown, has always kind of been my style.

So here it is, my big creative plunge into the deep end. 

I want to challenge myself to write more, create more, and be more visibly active in the
creative world.

Any tips, floatation devices, and helping words are always more than welcome.