Mind Blob | 12.04.2017

Mind Blob

12.04.2017

I’m writing a proper mind blob today. It’ll contain; rambling, a lack of consistency and no estimated point to be made…enjoy…

I was going to write something about looking around and not listening to music, but I ended up feeling like an old man yelling at a cloud (referencing The Simpsons).
So instead I started writing a post, challenging myself to not use the words I, me or myself. I realised that I needed more time to make that work, so I stopped.

So instead I felt myself drooping, I felt that bubbly feeling of procrastination tantalising my brain.
Whilst the thoughts of giving up were quietly hinting. 

This is a post to expose those feelings I guess. My aim by no means was to set up a perfect blog that would attract millions of middle-aged, wine sipping and interesting woman, or whatever other stereotype one would expect on a high-quality blog.
My aim was and is to just create consistently and challenge myself. 

I have a tendency to be a tidbit of a perfectionist and expect far to much of myself, which is a good thing, it pushes me to get the absolute best of myself, but also makes me feel very bad when I think I might not be doing well enough.

It’s important to ignore these feelings and just push through, tell that voice to ‘fuck off’ and just keep on striding forward…

Easier said than done…

It can be paralysing sometimes. I say sometimes, but I actually mean, allot of the times…take this post, as blatantly ‘easy’ as it would seem to be, to write a post about not being able to write posts still feels wrong and makes me want to crawl away. 

Maybe I’m right, maybe the big scary coach in my brain, yelling at me that I’m doing everything wrong is correct, but again, to do it the right way was never my purpose. All I wanted, and expect from myself is to do. To just simply do. How bad, how embarrassing it may be, just create and share. To not be scared of what people might think because quality will come with time, all I have to focus on now is consistency…

So yeah, I feel like I just needed to expose those feelings, not pretend like I had/have everything under control. Because I don’t. It’s not easy. But then again, if it was easy, it wouldn’t be a challenge. I wouldn’t be doing this, I wouldn't be feeling the eerie chill of the vast scape outside the comfort zone. 

So, in short, I’m proud. I’m proud that I feel stuck. However strange that may be. I’m proud that I almost feel paralysed under the challenge, that can only mean it’s working.